TMI Thursday: Discovering BJs

As Lilu says, “Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!”

I remember having a conversation with my mom about blowjobs when I was way too young to understand the concept of blowjobs. I can’t recall my exact age. If I were to guesstimate, I’d say I was about 10 or 11. I dunno. Definitely pre-puberty. And definitely before my mom had the “sex talk” with us. In fact, it might even be what prompted her to have that talk later.

The night started out like so many others — my mother, my sister, and I eating dinner together before my dad got home from work. Now, I’m fuzzy on how the subject of fellatio even came up. My sister or (in all likelihood) I probably asked a curious question and my mom found no way to answer immaculately. In any case, my memory really kicks in at the moment my mom made the shocking statement that women sometimes put men’s penises in their mouths. These weren’t her exact words, but it was something along those lines that made my sister’s and my eyes grow the size of baseballs. She wasn’t condoning the behavior – it simply came up as a fact.

Needless to say, this was the first time I’d ever heard of oral sex. The concept of genitals connecting with mouths had never previously crossed my mind. And why would it? I was an innocent kid. Back then my mind was filled with more important things, like which words I had to memorize my vocabulary test the next day. Plus my exposure to anything sexual was limited. The most titillating things I’d seen were on 90210 and whatever almost-sex scene was in Species, the first R-rated movie I saw in the theater. But even then, these were the the media’s portrayal of sex: generic kissing + some heavy breathing + face-to-face intercourse shot from the waist up. There was no way for me to know anything other than that existed.

So naturally, in our dismay, my sister and I asked the obvious question of “why?” Why would anyone do that?! Let alone, um, everyone.

My mom told us that even though it doesn’t make sense now, one day when we’re older we might want to. We might like it. This is when we really flipped our shit.

PENISES. IN. OUR. MOUTHS.
The horror!
Who would want that?!
UGH! AGH! BLECH!

We literally hit the floor, writhing in revulsion as we pictured the act, eyes squeezed shut trying to force the icky image away, screaming out “EWW!!!”at the top of our lungs. This is not an exaggeration. Truly, we were this dramatic about it. My mom merely laughed, amused by how grossed out we were, all the while harboring an “if you only knew” smile.

Ten or some-odd years later, who woulda thunk? My mom was right.