Recently a close friend confided that she decided to stay with her boyfriend who cheated on her several months ago. I surprised myself by being in support of her decision. A year ago, subscribing to the Taylor Swift School of Thought, my reaction would have gone something like this:
“WHAT THE [expletive]?! He did what? NO! I want to rip this [expletive] guy’s [expletive] out and shove them up his [expletive]. How could you even think of staying with someone who [expletive] treats you that way? You deserve so much better.”
That was last year’s Sachi, the one with the same ideals as now minus experience. I still think any person in a loving, committed relationship should say no in the face of temptation – but the issue at hand here is what happens when they don’t? 
This time around, equipped with a little more sensitivity and the knowledge that she really loves this guy, I found myself asking questions like “How did you find out?” and “Were you two going through something when it happened or was everything really good?” I’ve learned that relationships are too complex to be judged rashly and without all the facts. And the truth is no matter how many questions I ask in an effort to better understand, I’ll never know as much about her relationship as she and her boyfriend. As a friend, it’s not my place to approve or disapprove. (BTW, she found out because he told her and everything was not really good).
Sex (& The City) On The Brain
Now, pardon my media-infused mind, but the first thing I thought of when she told me all of this was Miranda and Steve in Sex & the City, the movie. In therapy after his infidelity, Steve makes a valid point in his defense.
Miranda, I know I made it hard for you to trust me, but you made it hard for me to trust you… The way you treated me and cut me out of your life like that. I mean, yeah, I broke a vow, but what about the other vows?
It wasn’t as if Steve and Miranda were perfectly content and one day he decided to go sleep with someone else just to be an a-hole. They both made mistakes leading up to it, though his was seemingly more damaging. Trust gets shaken when someone’s unfaithful. BUT more often than not shaky trust is what leads to unfaithfulness in the first place. It takes a precarious balance between two people to make a relationship work. When the balance is off, it can be devastating. It can also be enlightening. In the end, I understood Miranda’s decision to take Steve back and I took the same stance with my friend.
To Stay or Walk Away
For anyone in this unfortunate situation, there are two ways to go.
If the betrayal makes you realize this person isn’t worth your time, energy, or love, by all means end the relationship. It would be crippling to stay in it knowing you’ll never be able to see past the blunder.
Or it could be a wake-up call, the catalyst for a change you both have been needing to make. If you feel confident that it was a slip in your partner’s character, one that they won’t make again, you can make the tough decision to stay and begin to heal your relationship. But in doing so you must move forward with conviction, without a hint of doubt that this person is worth it, with the confidence that your love will in fact conquer all (am I really this cliche? Gah, apparently so).
Here’s the kicker…
In any relationship, every day you’re together you’re making the choice to be with this person. You always always always have the choice of staying in it or getting out.
My friend made her choice, she’s sticking to it, and she seems genuinely happy with him. My guess is that her boyfriend’s love and trust for her grew exponentially when she decided to stick around despite his past actions. One thing I’ve learned from my relationship with Loverface is it’s the tough times, not the good, that come to define you as a couple. If you can go through some serious shit together and come out united, your bond grows ever stronger. When you’re presented with a chance to walk away and you decide to stay, that choice can mean everything.
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What do you think? Is it possible for good to come out of a bad situation like this, or am I being a little too glass half-full?
